Closure or Obsession?

Sometimes I think about what caused my various relationships to spiral down. This past summer I started writing letters when I needed to work through issues with one of those fateful relationships. Now keep in mind, I’m using the term relationship for friends and my old significant others.

Now, months later that relationship has gone into the toilet, sending us into a very awkward living situation and I still think about why. I keep on imagining a more confident and self-assured me sending letters to those various people asking that question: what happened and when?

I don’t think this is unrealistic. In fact, every girl needs closure. I just don’t know how normal it is to still be thinking this almost two years later in some cases. I keep thinking about what these letters would look like. I quickly figured that out: very awkward.

For the sake of humor and my own sanity so they stop running through my already preoccupied mind, I’m going to write short versions, names not included for my own sense of security, pride and your inability to find them on the web.

To the boy from freshman year:

I honestly wish you had been clearer with me about what went wrong.  Yes, months later you sort of told me, but you never clearly did. I still want to know what I did wrong that sent you running so early on. There are things I wish I had done differently, or known going into our relationship but I didn’t. I was young and so were you.  Why didn’t you stick it out and see where it went? What was the real reason?

To the boy from freshman year II:

I think your excuse for ending it was in short, lame. I also think there was a whole other situation going on that you didn’t want to tell me or wanted to hide from me. Fine, but don’t give me some ridiculous excuse like we are too different. Clearly we weren’t if we worked for the month and half.

To the so-called friend:

You have to be the most confusing and hardest person to work out. I thought we had figured out all of our issues and could finally start to rework the great friendship we had going. Clearly, you have some issues with me that you don’t want to tell me, because now, we never talk, you get angry at me for absolutely no reason and I have a slow burning hatred for you inside of me. I am restraining all of these emotions until you are out of my life but I honestly want to know what I did that sent you on a totally different path than we started on.

I don’t know if these are weird obsessions or realistic questions, but at least now they will stop taking up valuable headspace and maybe let me focus on the work I need to get done for my classes. I’m hoping these letters are never seen, and if they are, maybe I’ll get a good reaction, but best case, they don’t and if they do they ignore them.

Dear Valentine’s Day, Sincerely, Still Single

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When Valentine’s Day comes around I squirm slightly.  There is something that bothers me about seeing couples interact in general, but it seems like their lovey dovey romance is heightened. As I’ve gotten older, I came to learn about Galantine’s day, the day when single people celebrate their love for their friends and family. I think that is really what Valentine’s Day is all about, showing love and appreciation for people we care about.

I have not been fortunate enough to celebrate Valentine’s Day with special someone in a long time.  The fact that I am still single has become more of a comfort than an embarrassment. I value the free time I would be giving to that someone special and the fact that I have less of a chance of getting hurt if I’m single. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not anti-relationship; at this point I have determined that being single is not a bad thing if you haven’t found the one you love.

 For the past six Valentine’s Days, I have been fortunate enough to have a little man to celebrate with. My nephew was born on February 14th,2008 and will forever be my special someone on Valentine’s Day.  This year he is turning six and it blows my mind how fast time goes. Two years ago, I had my own Valentine, but things change.  Since then, I have come to understand that the process of finding the one who feels right is not instantaneous. I have embraced the single life and while I think those pink puppies are adorable, I know I will be given one eventually, it’s just a matter of time and patience.

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